All of a sudden…

My twelve-years-relationship was about to end as I started a 12-days-trip around Canada. I was a young Turkish woman fully integrated into German society and withouth any identity problem. After my A-level degree at school I worked as a flight attendant for 4 years and finished an apprenticeship with a travel agency. As a „good German“, you needed a grounded education. So I worked  with a wellknown company that finally offered me a management trainee programme. I had been loving my boyfriend for 12 years and at the age of 28 it seemed to be the right time  to get married and to get children.

But a lot of incidents should change the direction of my way. One reason was the trip to Canada. As a flight attendant I had already seen a lot of the world and had no great expectations as far as the trip and the country were concerned. The only thing, I really wished,was to meet a Red Indian. The rest did not matter at all.

But everything changed quickly as we started the round trip. We all were in a good mood after a tyring flight from Germany. Words are not enough to describe the beauty and the atmosphere of that amazing landscape, the mountains, the colours, the lakes, of that vast nature. All of us were overwhelmed by this beauty and diversity created by God.

The days went by, surrounded by the beautiful nature. I had fully forgotten my biggest wish, until we reached the Red Indian resort on the 7th day. The Red Indians had received some land as a compensation for the pain and the behaviour the Indians had suffered from the immigrants. But that could not make them forget the pain and the suffering. They were the natives of that country and the immigrants not only took their land, but also their dignity and their identity. A lot of Red Indians died of the inhuman treatments, nowadays still addicted to alcohol (and suffer).

 The Red Indians we met lived in a community of different tribes with the goal to regain their dignity and identity. They did find a sustainable way to combine both worlds, the world of their ancestors and the world of modern America, without giving up their tradition and rituals. A hotel built in a tippi-shape offered the right place where they not only could show and demonstrate their paintings, their culture, their original way of living, but where they could also build bridges and understanding between people from different worlds and cultures.

How deeply I could understand the Red Indians. In my past I felt like the only Turkish woman worldwide without any identity problem. But deep in my heart I knew, how complicated life would be, if I would work on this part of myself. I felt better in compassion for the Indians, for their longings, about their roots, their belief, their customs, their rituals, their songs, their dreams, their desires and hopes than to work on my own. I preferred to keep myself busy with other people´s pain than to concentrate on my own fears and sorrows.

The Hotel Quaaout Lodge was situated between Jasper and Chase. It seemed like paradise for me. The Lodge was built in tippi-shape. In the middle of the hall was an open fireplace surrounded by stones and pictures showing the life of the Red Indians. As other nature tribes the Red Indians did not have their own written language. They expressed their way of living in songs, stories and pictures. The whole interior of that building created a natural charm, that brought me into another world, where it was more important to live in harmony with nature and to combine the different nature elements. The hotel´s surroundings seemed to be like in a fairy tale. I would not have been puzzled if I had met a unicorn at Shuswap lake or if I had seen fairies, elves or goblins.

In the evening we had dinner at the restaurant. I was surprised by details that seemed to be unusual for the German world. The waitress was very quiet and treated us with a special of respect. I had the feeling that the food was served by an unseen magic hand. Later we heard that Red Indians were a shy population and tried to avoid any contact with strangers.

While we were eating, suddenly the door opened and a beautiful and graceful being, as I had never seen one before, entered the room. At that moment I knew, that this would be the meeting I had always been dreaming of since I was a little child. With his head upright and his springy pace the being took a table close to ours with his family. I felt very happy as I could be starring at him for the next 2 hours. Although my travel mates felt embarrased I did not care at all and continued starreing. Never in my life bevor I had seen such an impressive face full of deep wrinkles, soft but strong at the same time and expressing everything I wanted to achieve in my life: love, kindness, power, perseverance, pride and cheerful calmness. I wanted to enjoy every minute of exploring his face, I could apologize later.

After two hours the Red Indian felt sorry for me and came to my table. I was nervous but he smiled and asked, where we came from and what we did there in Canada. I told him, that we were  a group of people working in travel agencies in Germany, travelling around Canada and visiting this Indian Resort. Then I asked him about his origin and his profession. He looked at me and told me that his name was Ernie Philip and that he was a worldknown dancer. I was surprised by his answer, as he seemed to be over 70 years old. Ernie noticed my surprise and was amused as I asked him to dance for me. He looked deeply into my eyes and suddenly I had the feeling of having found a lost part of my soul family. Although we came from different worlds, there seemed to be something that our souls knew, that Ernie knew. He told me to ask the hotel manager for dance permission and asked me to make sure that 12 people would join the dance. Right away I ran to find the hotel manager. In the lobby I passed a huge portrait of Ernie. I began to shiver and to feel insecure. What was his purpose for my life? What was the reason for meeting Ernie now and here in Canada? The hotel manager was very surprised as he heard that Ernie would like to dance as he had not danced for years. I was very lucky. Happily I went back to inform Ernie who then drove home to pick up his costume. He asked us to wait for him.

We sat in the lobby and waited at the fireplace. After one hour the first group members went to bed. It was late and we were tired. Some of us started to doubt that Ernie would come back. But I trusted him and did not doubt at all that he would not come. But time passed by. Suddenly we heard his car and my heart made a deep sigh. It was around midnight and there he came. He took some flags out of his bag and placed them on the tables around us. Ernie explained that the flaggs symbolized the respect he felt for every country and every culture in the world and that it was very important to see, to understand and to respect people´s differences.

We became silent, the fire cracked and the atmosphere seemed to be mystical. Although I did not understand completely the situation, I felt deep inside that this was the first meeting with a spiritual teacher and my first initiation. Ernie got dressed and put on his jewellery, his leather costume and his feathers. The music started. He asked us to close our eyes for a moment and to feel the music. Then he looked at each of us and asked what we felt. Bum, “Bum, Bum- that is your heartbeat, be aware, this is your life.” He told us, that he would show two dances. The first one was called the dance of the cock, but I preferred the second dance, the dance of the eagle, that flies in majestic circles in the sky. For a moment I thought I could fly with him.

We were fullfilled by the music and the dances, as Ernie sat next to me and started to speak. He asked me what skin colour he had, if it really looked red. We laughed and I denied. He looked straight into our faces. “You are smiling now, but these were the lies and prejudices that had been told in your books. Therefore it is very important to see the truth and to stop telling lies.” His words were very impressive. All of us grew up with the stories of Karl May, Winnetou and Old Shatterhand and a lot of lies and prejudices about the Red Indians. But what could I respond at that moment? I felt ashamed not to be able to say anything, to show my compassion for that wise man and his people. After every sentence Ernie asked if we had understood him. He asked me to repeat what he had said. I did not really understand, but I did what he asked me to do.

One ritual of the Red Indians is called “talking stick”. One person holds a stick in his hand, while telling  story. He passes the stick on to the next person after having finished his story. That person has to repeat the story and has to pass the stick on to the next person and so forth. That ritual is repeated several times. By that method  the Red Indians transferred their rituals, myths and stories form generation to generation. In the Western world we use this ritual for partner therapy. Partners re-learn to listen carefully to each other and to find out, if they understand the meaning of what was saiby his partner in the right way. So much to learn for me. Thanks to a great teacher I understood, that Ernie guided me to my life purpose. Wasn´t it him, who gave  me the motivation to tell the story, I am writing right now? Am I supposed to be a storyteller?

…everything has its time:

to be born has its time, to die has its time;

to sow has its time, topull out, what was sowed has its time;

to kill has its time; to heal has its time;

to cry has its time; to laught has its time;

to complain has its time; to dance has its time;

to throw stones has its time; to collect stones has its time;

to hurry has its time, to stop to hurry has its time;

to keep has its time; to lose has its time;

to tear has its time; to sew has its time;

to be silent has its time; to speak has its time;

to love has its time; to hate has its time;

fight has its time; peace has its time;

everything has its time...

Even after several years I could only partly understand what impact that night, that man and his story had on me, on my way of life, on my mind and heart. At the end of that evening Ernie took my arm, hugged me and whispered in my ear “promise me, go and tell everybody, tell everybody our story, the story of our land and our people.” His words seemed to be more an urge than a request. He danced for me that night and I gave him my promise. And until today I can hear his voice in moments of silence and meditation, when I contact him in my heart.

Today, after 8 years I found a way to redeem my promise. I wish for all of us, that we open in our life not only our eyes and ears, but also our hearts for people, who are different, in order to find more understanding for different worlds and to show deep respect for other cultures. The evening at the Lodge is finished, the initation as well, but I learnt that there were many different ways to touch the soul. One way I  had experienced with Ernie. Love has infinite faces. Apart from attractive love there also exist spiritual love, that does not know time and space. Some things can only be seen with our heart and our mind does not notice them at all.

In the following night after Ernie´s dance I had a moving dream. I had felt totally confused the next morning. My room mate asked me what had happened. I dreamt that my boyfriend failed his final exam, had to leave university and that we would seperate soon afterwards. I felt ashamed of that dream. I felt like a betrayer of my boyfriend. My room mate calmed me down as that had only been a dream and not a reason to seperate. I felt better and we continued our trip around Canada and then returned home to Germany.

The Red Indians say that the soul needs its own time to come home, but back home my every day business kept me busy as before. Although I liked to tell about my trip to Canada, my impressions,  my pictures and the story about Ernie, I tried to push away the dream I had. But that dream should become reality three months later.

Only the one who allows feelings, does not have to run away from his destiny.

My boyfriend failed his final exam at university and we seperated. Of course that story is much more complex and I could fill a whole book with that part of my life, but looking closer it can be reduced to the above mentioned sentence. A time of up- and down-movement followed, a time of doubt,  despair, sometimes of little hope, but again of resignation, pain and sorrow. From time to time I fought against the whole world, but most of the time I created conflicts in my own world. While searching for myself, I lost direction more than once. A quote to my birthday expressed my situation clearly:

Too long you had been searching,

but did not find.

Now stop searching and learn to find.       (Heinz Körner)